Gone

Just revisiting an old favorite...

"Gone like a freight train, gone like yesterday.

Gone like a soldier in the Civil War -- bang, bang.

Gone like a '59 Cadillac,

Like all the good things that ain't never coming back.

She's gone, gone, gone, gone... she's gone!"

From Gone by Montgomery Gentry

I have a problem. It seems that I have misplaced my waist. I’m not sure how long she has been missing, but today it was quite evident that she is gone. I searched everywhere -- behind the dryer; underneath the pair of college jeans still hanging in my closet; between the pretty PJ’s so neatly tucked in my most bottom drawer; and even in that vintage cheerleader outfit hidden away in the old cedar chest. Still, I could not find her.

So, how does one go about filing a missing persons report when the subject is one of such sensitive matter?

"Hello, Officer... I’d like to file a missing persons report.

Yes... her name is Waist.  Last name? Oh... hmm... Away. Yes, that’s it – Waist Away.

When did I last see her? Well, I’m not quite sure. She used to be a permanent fixture around here back in 1994. Oh, we were such great friends! Since then, however, the relationship has been somewhat stressed. She used to come and go quite a bit until, finally, she just stopped coming.

I know – 1994 was a LONG time ago!

Why am I calling now? Well, it’s because I just realized that she may be permanently gone and I am a bit worried.

What!? Look for her where?

At Jennie Craig?

Behind the Chunky Monkey Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer?

In the three mile run?"

Perhaps I should just accept the fact that Waist has moved on to bigger and better things and is never coming back. Maybe it was the passing years, or the five babies, or the super size servings of double chocolate chunk pudding cake that finally pushed her away. I don’t know, but I do miss her.

Mr. V (bless his heart) tries to comfort me by saying that Waist is much overrated and I am better off without her. Maybe I can convince him to help me look for her one last time.

Do you think she might be hiding in a plate of Olive Garden Five Cheese Ziti al Forno and a big scoop of Chocolate Gelato? 

I might just check there tonight.