The Art Of Impression

"The ultimate in hot. This sauce is way past insanity. WARNING: Keep out of reach of children. Consume one drop at a time with extreme caution. Pure Habanero pepper enhanced with Habanero infused flavor create a sauce measured at 119,700 Scoville units. Wicked beyond belief! NUCLEAR."

Even after all these years of marriage, Mr. V never ceases to amaze me. Although we have a house full of kids and there is no chance of me ever leaving (I am quite comfortable, and why in the world would I ever want to train another husband?), he still feels the need to impress me.

At first it was little things -- tying a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue, flipping a toothpick between his teeth, and holding his breath for amazing lengths of time. As our relationship progressed he moved on to greater and more impressive feats -- driving twelve hours in a car without a radio just to see me, spear fishing with my dad despite his fear of sharks, and playing rugby with the Tongan cousins.

One of my ultimate favorites was the night he cooked me a full-course meal complete with Spanish Rice and homemade enchiladas. I think his moves were quite calculated as that was the same night he asked me to marry him. Without hesitation I accepted the proposal. After all, how could I resist a man who knew how to cook?

So this brings us to his most recent feat. The sign read: "Grow up and be a man! DARE to try the HOTTEST hot sauce in the world!"

It might have been a mid-life crisis, or perhaps it was the skinny brace-faced boy behind the counter taunting him. Either way, it was a thrilling challenge Mr. V could not resist.

And so, turning to the boy he said, "Bring it on... I'm going to impress my wife!" "Are you sure?..." I asked. "Come on," he said, "I am a Mexi-CAN! I can handle a little bit of hot sauce."

He should have listened when the boy asked, "Do you like to cry?" He should have thought twice when the boy put on thick rubber gloves before even touching the bottle, but at this point my dear husband was far beyond any rational thinking.

And so the boy put a drop of hot sauce the size of a grain of rice onto a cracker. With a grin Mr. V popped it into his mouth and gulped it down in less than ten seconds. What happened next is a moment to remember (and I certainly did savor it).

My poor husband started to sweat from every pore. His eyes watered, his nose ran, his tongue swelled, and he turned the brightest red ever possible for a Mexican. As he started to sway he managed to whisper, "Milk, I need milk!" It was one of those moments when time stands still and all seems to move in slow motion. My first thought was, "What do I do if he passes out? I cannot possibly touch his lips to give him mouth to mouth!"

A quart of ice cream and four cups of milk later my husband was recovered enough to say, "There, I did it! I am one of the few who dared to try the hottest hot sauce in the world!"

And although I was secretly somewhat impressed, I couldn't resist saying, "If you REALLY wanted to impress me all you had to do was vacuum the living room!"