After the first few years of marital bliss I so wanted to have a baby! I dreamed of having a cute little one to cuddle and hold. I thought, "How hard can it be?... After all, my degree is in Human Development and I do know everything about early childhood..."
Well, the moment I first held my screaming red-faced baby girl I realized that parenthood was going to be more like a roller coaster ride than a sweet stroll through the park.
Wouldn't it be nice if every baby came with an owner's manual?
Troubleshooting, p. 5
If your baby cries too much simply press the off button located under the left ankle. If this doesn't work, just remove batteries and replace when you are ready.
If you have difficulty feeding your two-year-old foods other than cold cereal, push the reset button located under the right ankle, and hold for sixty seconds. Your child can be reprogrammed to eat green peas, Brussel Sprouts, grilled salmon, and hummus, as well as a variety of other nutritious and filling foods.
Your child comes equipped with a volume adjuster and mute button (found behind the left ear). Volume settings include Screaming At The Top of Lungs, Sweet and Giggly, Sleepy Sweet, and Barely Breathing. If all else fails, push the mute button to experience Sweet Silence.
After the first ten years of use your child may experience bouts of rolling eyes and stomping feet. This is part of the normal wear and tear of your product; however, replacement parts my be purchased through our extended warranty program.
Sometimes your child may move too fast. A remote control pause button can be purchased for an additional cost of $19.99 (plus shipping and handling). The pause feature may be used for various purposes: slow down a child running through the clothes racks at Walmart long enough to catch him; stop a rambling teenager mid-sentence giving you time to think of a reply; freeze a three-year-old before he smashes the next egg into the carpet or turns on the garden hose to fill the living room with water; or to create more personal time for talking on the phone and blog writing. This feature may also be used to stop time, giving you a chance to savor the moment before it "hurries up and happens".
On many occasions I have found myself wondering WHY.
Why did my child just do that?
Why on school days do I have to drag my kids out of bed, but on vacation days they're up
at 6:00 a.m.?
Why do my kids complain about having to eat healthy, but when I'm not looking they drink all my Acai Berry Blend juice?
Why can't I find that darn owner's manual?
I am so glad to see that your comment section is back! love the blog. Laughed at your first article in the paper. It's funny I am called Sister V or Ms. V, too. Mainly because there aren't any other hispanic members in our ward and none in our neighborhood, and the children can't remember Villarreal. Even in Othello where there is a higher population of spanish speaking students...they call him Mr. V! Funny with my maiden name being Koch I was never called Ms. K? Must be the length of the name.
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